Adopting the Older Child (My Thoughts)

While we were in China, I said I wanted to do a post on older child adoption vs younger child adoption.  And honestly I just have not had the time to think or write it out.  So, I’m attempting to put my thoughts down now. I don’t know how long this will take me.  I could get it finished in one sitting.  Or it could take days. Right now I have some “quiet” time so I thought I should get started.  

We have been blessed to have added children to our family through birth & adoption.  We have also been blessed to have adopted the “younger” child and the “older” child.  So I have the experience (if you will) of raising a child from birth, from the age of 1 and 2, and now starting at the teen years.  And trust me, each child has been different.  Both challenging and rewarding.  

When Bill brought up the idea of adopting an older child, I immediately said NO. I was scared.  Could I love an older child?  Could they love me?  How would this affect our family?  

Then finally one day the idea did not seem so scary.  I talked to several friends who had adopted an older child. I wanted them to be honest with me and tell me the good & the bad. I did not want them to sugar coat their experience. I wanted to be as prepared as I could be.  

Then something crazy went off inside of me and I thought “how hard could adopting 2 older girls be?”  I meant it in every possible way: financially, emotionally (for us & the girls) etc.  I was told that if we were serious, then we should try to find 2 girls who are together in the same orphanage.  It’s funny, because after we were matched with the girls, someone said they heard it’s easier to adopt 2 at the same time who do not know each other.  

Adopting Hope & Maggie has been COMPLETELY different in a lot of ways than when we adopted Abby, Jadyn & Ethan.  There have been “easier” moments and “harder” moments.  

Coming from someone who has adopted 2 from the same orphanage, I have to say I think this is a good idea.  The girls already knew each other. They knew each others likes & dislikes. They knew how each other “thought”.  They knew what to expect from the other one.  Even though I feel that sometimes they are not happy they were adopted together, I know that deep down they are happy.  And the reason I think they were not happy, is that they felt they were not sisters. Because they knew they did not come from the same birth mom.  (they told us this). Once we explained that they are sisters, their attitudes towards each other changed. They started to act more like sisters than friends.  

I said adopting the older child has it’s easier moments.  Here are a few that to me were easier:

-NO DIAPERS!!!!  

-They can bathe themselves (even though the 1st night they did ask for help)

-They can dress themselves

-They can feed themselves

-They can walk, no need for strollers

-No need for the mounds of stuff you need for babies (diaper bag full of stuff etc)

-THEY SLEEP!  

-They can express themselves to us (this can be good or bad LOL)

-They can give hugs (if they want)

-They can go to school

-They can help around the house

-They can play with their siblings

-They are creative

-They do not need to be watched 24/7

-They can eat what we are eating; no baby food/formula 

Here are some of the challenges with the older child adoption:

-They speak their mind

-They express their opinions (I know, this should be a good thing, but not when their opinions are always something negative

-They can run off (and they (well one of them) did

-Their temper tantrums are more difficult to control than a toddlers

-They are heavier so when they do want to be picked up it kills your back LOL

-They behave a lot younger than their age

-Parenting a 13 year old who acts 5 is hard

-Language, a big challenge. But one we are working on and it’s getting easier

-Affection; they did not know hugs & kisses.  

-Culture shock; Lots of bad habits that needed to be broken

  -spitting, pulling down pants to relieve herself wherever she felt like it etc

-In China, hanging out in the hotel room is hard.  Boredom sets in fast. With a toddler you can have nap time.  With a teen, not so much (even though we did get a few naps out of them)

-Rules; something they did not want to follow. So we had struggles (and still do sometimes)

-Learning to be part of a family.  This has been hard for 1 of our girls.  

Would I recommend older child adoption?  ABSOLUTELY!!!!  Yes it was scary. But honestly my heart breaks for these kids.  They are just kids, who need and want a family to love them.  Seeing where our girls came from makes me SO glad they are home. I’m so thankful my heart softened and we took the leap of Faith.  Yes, there have been challenges. Yes I have wanted to pull my hair out several times.  BUT, when they give me a hug, or say “I love you mommy”, and smile when they see me, well thats all I need to turn my frown upside down. 

Would I recommend adopting 2 at the same time?  2 months ago I would have said No Way!  Double Trouble.  But....now that we have been together for almost 2 months, and things are starting to feel “normal” (or at least what our new normal feels like) then yes, I think adopting 2, from the same orphanage, I would recommend. (because that is all I know). They have each other, they are not alone, they can talk to someone, they can relate to them, they won’t feel different.  I was scared sending the girls to middle school.  But I would have been terrified if I was sending just 1, alone, to middle school.  Knowing they are together gives me peace.  

Adoption is hard.  No matter what age, or how many you adopt. We have adopted 5 times. And each addition has been a challenge.  All different challenges. But challenges we have worked through.  Some took 6 months, some 12 months, some 18 months.  And of course (even before Hope & Maggie came home) we still had challenges.  But, don’t we all have challenges?  Not just adoption related.  But Life related?  I’m so thankful for my friends who “get it”.  Because they understand why I want to pull my hair out some days. They understand why I want to just cry in a room alone.  And they also understand the joy we receive with a hug or smile that we did not think we would get so quickly etc.  We’ve been told “you are saints”, “you are good people”, “I could never do what you have done” etc.  Well, we do not feel like saints, or “good people”, and I want to say “Why can’t you do what we’ve done?”  We are just normal people. People who love the orphans. People who, did not want a large family, but now have a large (and loud) family.  We are normal people who listened to the Call.  We were chosen to parent all 6 of our kids.  I am thankful that God chose us. I question sometimes why He felt we would be good parents for 6 kids LOL.  But I can not see my life without all of them.  Yes, we have our moments. Yes, I’m always tired.  But I would rather be tired, with a house full of kids who love me and need me.  These are kids who needed a family, kids who needed to feel love. Kids who will hear about Jesus.  Kids who have a future now.  Yes, adoption is hard. Yes, adopting the older child is hard.  But it is also SO very rewarding.  Not only for the child, but for us also.  

If you have thought about adopting the older child, PLEASE email me or leave a comment for me to reply to you. I would love to talk to you about it.  If you have thought about adopting in general, PLEASE email me.  I love to talk about adoption, I love to tell our story. I love to advocate for the kids who are waiting.  

Thank you for following our journey.  The journey is not over.  We still have so many first to experience with the girls.  Even though they are 12 & 13 years old, they have never experienced Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas.  I’m excited to experience their “first” holidays at home.  

Our Miracles from China.