Adopting the Older Child (My Thoughts)

While we were in China, I said I wanted to do a post on older child adoption vs younger child adoption.  And honestly I just have not had the time to think or write it out.  So, I’m attempting to put my thoughts down now. I don’t know how long this will take me.  I could get it finished in one sitting.  Or it could take days. Right now I have some “quiet” time so I thought I should get started.  

We have been blessed to have added children to our family through birth & adoption.  We have also been blessed to have adopted the “younger” child and the “older” child.  So I have the experience (if you will) of raising a child from birth, from the age of 1 and 2, and now starting at the teen years.  And trust me, each child has been different.  Both challenging and rewarding.  

When Bill brought up the idea of adopting an older child, I immediately said NO. I was scared.  Could I love an older child?  Could they love me?  How would this affect our family?  

Then finally one day the idea did not seem so scary.  I talked to several friends who had adopted an older child. I wanted them to be honest with me and tell me the good & the bad. I did not want them to sugar coat their experience. I wanted to be as prepared as I could be.  

Then something crazy went off inside of me and I thought “how hard could adopting 2 older girls be?”  I meant it in every possible way: financially, emotionally (for us & the girls) etc.  I was told that if we were serious, then we should try to find 2 girls who are together in the same orphanage.  It’s funny, because after we were matched with the girls, someone said they heard it’s easier to adopt 2 at the same time who do not know each other.  

Adopting Hope & Maggie has been COMPLETELY different in a lot of ways than when we adopted Abby, Jadyn & Ethan.  There have been “easier” moments and “harder” moments.  

Coming from someone who has adopted 2 from the same orphanage, I have to say I think this is a good idea.  The girls already knew each other. They knew each others likes & dislikes. They knew how each other “thought”.  They knew what to expect from the other one.  Even though I feel that sometimes they are not happy they were adopted together, I know that deep down they are happy.  And the reason I think they were not happy, is that they felt they were not sisters. Because they knew they did not come from the same birth mom.  (they told us this). Once we explained that they are sisters, their attitudes towards each other changed. They started to act more like sisters than friends.  

I said adopting the older child has it’s easier moments.  Here are a few that to me were easier:

-NO DIAPERS!!!!  

-They can bathe themselves (even though the 1st night they did ask for help)

-They can dress themselves

-They can feed themselves

-They can walk, no need for strollers

-No need for the mounds of stuff you need for babies (diaper bag full of stuff etc)

-THEY SLEEP!  

-They can express themselves to us (this can be good or bad LOL)

-They can give hugs (if they want)

-They can go to school

-They can help around the house

-They can play with their siblings

-They are creative

-They do not need to be watched 24/7

-They can eat what we are eating; no baby food/formula 

Here are some of the challenges with the older child adoption:

-They speak their mind

-They express their opinions (I know, this should be a good thing, but not when their opinions are always something negative

-They can run off (and they (well one of them) did

-Their temper tantrums are more difficult to control than a toddlers

-They are heavier so when they do want to be picked up it kills your back LOL

-They behave a lot younger than their age

-Parenting a 13 year old who acts 5 is hard

-Language, a big challenge. But one we are working on and it’s getting easier

-Affection; they did not know hugs & kisses.  

-Culture shock; Lots of bad habits that needed to be broken

  -spitting, pulling down pants to relieve herself wherever she felt like it etc

-In China, hanging out in the hotel room is hard.  Boredom sets in fast. With a toddler you can have nap time.  With a teen, not so much (even though we did get a few naps out of them)

-Rules; something they did not want to follow. So we had struggles (and still do sometimes)

-Learning to be part of a family.  This has been hard for 1 of our girls.  

Would I recommend older child adoption?  ABSOLUTELY!!!!  Yes it was scary. But honestly my heart breaks for these kids.  They are just kids, who need and want a family to love them.  Seeing where our girls came from makes me SO glad they are home. I’m so thankful my heart softened and we took the leap of Faith.  Yes, there have been challenges. Yes I have wanted to pull my hair out several times.  BUT, when they give me a hug, or say “I love you mommy”, and smile when they see me, well thats all I need to turn my frown upside down. 

Would I recommend adopting 2 at the same time?  2 months ago I would have said No Way!  Double Trouble.  But....now that we have been together for almost 2 months, and things are starting to feel “normal” (or at least what our new normal feels like) then yes, I think adopting 2, from the same orphanage, I would recommend. (because that is all I know). They have each other, they are not alone, they can talk to someone, they can relate to them, they won’t feel different.  I was scared sending the girls to middle school.  But I would have been terrified if I was sending just 1, alone, to middle school.  Knowing they are together gives me peace.  

Adoption is hard.  No matter what age, or how many you adopt. We have adopted 5 times. And each addition has been a challenge.  All different challenges. But challenges we have worked through.  Some took 6 months, some 12 months, some 18 months.  And of course (even before Hope & Maggie came home) we still had challenges.  But, don’t we all have challenges?  Not just adoption related.  But Life related?  I’m so thankful for my friends who “get it”.  Because they understand why I want to pull my hair out some days. They understand why I want to just cry in a room alone.  And they also understand the joy we receive with a hug or smile that we did not think we would get so quickly etc.  We’ve been told “you are saints”, “you are good people”, “I could never do what you have done” etc.  Well, we do not feel like saints, or “good people”, and I want to say “Why can’t you do what we’ve done?”  We are just normal people. People who love the orphans. People who, did not want a large family, but now have a large (and loud) family.  We are normal people who listened to the Call.  We were chosen to parent all 6 of our kids.  I am thankful that God chose us. I question sometimes why He felt we would be good parents for 6 kids LOL.  But I can not see my life without all of them.  Yes, we have our moments. Yes, I’m always tired.  But I would rather be tired, with a house full of kids who love me and need me.  These are kids who needed a family, kids who needed to feel love. Kids who will hear about Jesus.  Kids who have a future now.  Yes, adoption is hard. Yes, adopting the older child is hard.  But it is also SO very rewarding.  Not only for the child, but for us also.  

If you have thought about adopting the older child, PLEASE email me or leave a comment for me to reply to you. I would love to talk to you about it.  If you have thought about adopting in general, PLEASE email me.  I love to talk about adoption, I love to tell our story. I love to advocate for the kids who are waiting.  

Thank you for following our journey.  The journey is not over.  We still have so many first to experience with the girls.  Even though they are 12 & 13 years old, they have never experienced Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas.  I’m excited to experience their “first” holidays at home.  

Our Miracles from China.

School Pictures!

I don't think I need to write a long post today.  I just need to show you the school photos the girls brought home today.  They are SO proud of these photos and can't wait for Bill to add them to the wall with our kids school photos.  Just think, 8 weeks ago these girls were scared and their whole life changed forever.  Now look at them.  God is So Good!!!!

P.S. These photos were taken 2 days after they started school.

Hope age 13

Maggie age 12

A Good Week!

This has been a good week for our family.  Every day we see more improvements in everyone's attitudes. It's like we are finally clicking as a family of 8.  We have been home a short 6 weeks now.  And honestly I think we've come a long way in such a short amount of time.

Maggie LOVES Tiff.  She (and Hope) get so excited if they see Tiffs car is home. That means (most of the time) that Tiff is home.  I love how excited they are to see Tiff. And I think Tiff loves it too.  This photo was taken the other day.  I told them to make "silly faces".

The girls came home the other day with a letter written in Chinese.  They were so happy but we told them we could not read it.  We thought it was from a teacher so we told them to tell teacher to write so we can read it.  Well the next day they came home with another letter. This time in Chinese & in English.  And guess what???  It was from a FRIEND!  Oh my were they excited.  Their friend gave them her phone number and address and asked if they could come over for a play date.  She also said that her mom speaks Mandarin.  I could not believe this.  Really God???  You have brought a friend who's mom (and the friend can too a little) can communicate with the girls???  Why am I surprised?  I should not be.  God has been with us since the beginning.  Why do I doubt that He would bring friends in their lives who can talk to the girls etc.  I know I have said this before, but GOD IS GOOD!

The girls are at their friends house as I'm typing this. They were happy. Hope kept saying "Goodbye Mama" and trying to get me to leave. LOL  I'm anxious to hear how the play date went.  I'm leaving soon to pick them up.

Also, the girls came home with a recipe from their cooking class. It was also in English &  Chinese. Their teacher translated it for them on the computer.  Again, I've said it before. But the teachers at the school have been amazing!  I also had another teacher call the other day. He thought I was going to be at the meeting they were having but then when I knew nothing about it, he realized it was just for the teachers. So he asked if there was anything I wanted them to discuss while they were meeting. I just told him how wonderful I think they all have been to the girls and to please do not make them feel any differently than the other kids.  He was very nice and said he enjoys starting his day with Hope & Maggie.  Yes, that was something I was very happy to hear.  He said "have you noticed any "good mornings" or "good evenings"?"  I said "Oh yes...." He said "we've been working on that .  LOL I told him that they have to yell "Gooda Morninga" to the sheriff who directs the traffic in the morning LOL

Wednesday night I got out the English/Chinese Bible that we have and gave it to Hope. She sat down and was reading it. She could not put it down.

Yesterday the girls came downstairs in the morning and they were dressed exactly the same.  These were not the outfits they picked out the night before. Well it was the outfit Hope picked but Maggie changed to match Hope.  Of course I took a photo.  I do believe we now have 2 sets of "twins".  LOL

Since it was Friday we got our swimsuits on and went in the pool.  These girls are turning into FISH!  Yesterday they both took their swim rings off and wanted to SWIM!  I was so nervous but allowed them to IF they stayed in the shallow end.  Well by time we had to get out, Hope was doing flips under the water and doing hand stands.  And Maggie was going under and trying to do flips & hand stands under the water too.  They are teaching themselves how to swim.  I'm so amazed with how quickly they are learning things.  6 weeks ago we had to bribe them to go in the pool.  Now they beg to get in the pool.  After swimming we ate hamburgers & french fries.  The girls started making silly faces while eating their food. So I grabbed the camera.

French Fries sticking out of their mouths

Today when I was making Hope, Maggie & Ethan's lunch, Hope asked if Abby & Jadyn were eating it too. I said "No, they are going with daddy".  She looked at me for a second (I could tell she was thinking) and then she said "Abby, Jadyn.......hamburger-a".  I laughed so hard.  I looked at Hope and said "Oh Hope, GREAT words!"  I loved how she was thinking of the right English words to use, and used them properly.

OK, update on the friend play date.  They had a BLAST!  They were happy to see me when I showed up too which made me feel good. And they were planning their next play date.  LOL  I'm so thankful for the people God is putting into the girls lives.

Yesterday, Sept 28, marked the first time we saw the girls photos.  It was the day we thought about adopting 2 at the same time.  We asked our agency to review the files.  We were nervous about adopting 2.  And then we found out what their Love Without Boundaries names were.  Hope & Maggie. We knew that God was telling us to adopt them both.  So here we are a year later.....With 6 kids.

Tonight Bill & I went out with friends.  Tiff stayed home to babysit. She said "Hope was SO good. She had fun.  Maggie was good but didn't listen a few times".  I was really happy to hear this.  Because we always worry about Hope's behavior when we are gone.  And she seems to always be good for everyone. So thankful for this.  We know she is a good girl. She just likes to test me & Bill.  But I guess most kids do that, right?  Test their parents, but act differently (better) for others?  

It has been a GOOD week.  

Thankful for the Good, When going through the Hard

Today had some rough moments.  Moments where I just wanted to go back to bed and sleep the rest of the day.  Just when I feel things are going well, something happens that makes me feel like life will never feel "normal" again. And I know our new normal is different than our old normal.  But times like today I feel like we will never be able to leave the house as a complete family.

Then tonight we go to church.  Tiff stayed home with Ethan, Hope & Maggie so Bill & I could both go (Bill has not been to church in over 2 months).  I'm so glad we went.  Our pastor said, and I've tried to tell myself this too, but when life seems hard and difficult, remember to thank God for all the good He has given to us.  And that is when it hit me, we do have A LOT of good to be thankful for.

7 weeks ago was Gotcha Day.  A short 7 weeks, that sometimes seems like an eternity.  The girls are definitely comfortable with us now.  They talk back to us when they are mad (yeah, trying to stop that one but they are teenage girls and so that will be hard), teasing us, laughing at jokes, trying to make jokes etc.  Their English is coming along.  I have caught them saying 2-3 word sentences.  Here are a few:

-Listen to Mommy (yes, they say this, not me saying it to them LOL)
-Time for Bed
-Teacher gave Maggie

Crafts!!!  Oh... My...Word!!!!!  The girls (all 4 of them) are crafting us out of everything!  I love it. Because so much of the supplies have just been sitting in boxes.  Well, yesterday they spent hours cutting things from the cricuit (yes, they quickly learned how to use this machine, I still have no idea).  They would glue their creation to another piece of paper and then color the paper.  Oh my.....very creative. I took 2 pictures to show you Hope & Maggie's artwork.

Maggie's artwork

Hope's artwork

Then today they found these beads that we have that you make into shapes and then iron it to make it stick into the shape.  They did this for about 5 hours today.

Maggie is really bonding with the girls. She wants to be included in everything.  The other night she put on matching PJ's with Abby.

We had movie night again on Friday.  We watched Kung Fu Panda.  Hope fell asleep 1/2 way through it. She was exhausted. But she liked the parts she did see.  Maggie laughed when she should have laughed. I love how the girls watch the movies, even though they don't fully understand what is going on.  Poor little Ethan....the only boy.  But....he LOVES it. He gets a lot of attention from the girls. And when they annoy him (like big sisters tend to do), he puts them in their place (or the place he feels they need to be LOL).

There are days, when the kids stop for a minute and are all together, that it hits me.  We have FIVE beautiful, hand chosen by God, MIRACLES from China.  On the hard days, I do remind myself that they are kids, kids who needed a family, kids who God watched over until we could bring them all home. Bill & I never in a million years thought we would have 6 kids, never thought we would adopt from China, and NEVER thought we would adopt FIVE kids from China.  I love how God chose us to be their parents. Because every single one of our kids, all SIX of them, are truly blessings to us.  Tiff is our miracle by birth and Hope, Maggie, Abby, Jadyn & Ethan are our miracles by adoption.

Teacher Conference

Last night was conference night at the middle school.  So I contacted the girls 4 main teachers and requested a conference.  We were blessed to have a friend come over to watch the kids so Bill could go with me. I was so happy he came.

We met with their Social Studies teacher first.  She immediately said how wonderful the girls are.  She had very nice things to say.  She said they listen, they do their work, they try. She said the only "bad" thing she has seen was the other day. They had a school assembly in the gym.  And Hope was bored (can't understand anything they are talking about) so she picked her nose and made it bleed. So this teacher walked her to the nurse.  We told her some of the behaviors we experience at home, and this teacher said she has not seen any of these behaviors at school.  YAY!

Next was met their math teacher.  Oh my word this teacher is fired up with excitement over Hope. She said this kid can do math.  She said she wished Hope could speak English so she could teach the kids.  I told her that Hope said "teacher show me 1 time and I get it" and she totally agreed.  She said she passed out a test the other day and as she was giving directions (which the girls don't understand) Hope was doing her test and before she was finished with the directions Hope had done 3 math problems and they were correct.  Maggie is slower at the math. She's not getting it.  And we agreed.  So we need to figure out how to help Maggie understand.

Next was Language Arts (she is also their homeroom teacher).  Again, she was excited to have the girls in her class and said they are good, they sit in the front of the class and they listen and do their work.  She said that she told the class what an honor it is to have 2 kids who speak Mandarin in their class. Maybe the kids can learn from Hope & Maggie how to speak Chinese.  She also told the kids to introduce themselves to the girls to make them feel welcome. And she said the kids have been doing this.  Hope & Maggie are happy and she is excited to see them "grow" in their education.

Finally we met with their science teacher.  She immediately said something like "I don't know how to teach them. They don't understand.  So help me to know how to teach them". So, we told her to include them in everything, to just be normal and let them just copy the things off of the board. We did tell her how Hope got upset because we would not do her science homework for her.  And so we suggested she tell them it's not homework or just give them 1 or 2 problems to do (well really for us to do). She said she would.  she also said that the girls are good and she has caught them chatting and she just goes and says "girls, shh" and they immediately stop talking and pay attention.  This is the only teacher who said anything about Hope's "rocking" back & forth.

Every teacher said how much they like having them in their class. That the girls are good girls. They are impressed with how they are trying.  They said they smile all the time, tell everyone "HELLO!" And even gives people "high 5's" in the hallway.

They told us not to worry about their grades. They are not grading their tests.  And nothing will show up on the report card (meaning they will not fail).  We were told that they will not be given any standardized or state tests for a year.  So that is good.

Hope does not behave the way she does at home for the teachers.  Praise God!  They all say that she is eager to learn.  They can see how much she is trying.  They said Maggie is just now coming out of her "shy" shell and she is a joy to have in class.  OH, the math teacher did catch Maggie "cheating" off of another student's test. So she's tried to tell her that is not allowed.

We were happy to get such good reports.  Everyone at their school has been so helpful.  We saw the guidance counselor and she just went on and on with how wonderful they are doing.  I love that so many are looking out for our girls.  And that they are happy to have them in their class.  After talking to the teachers, I do feel that we are witnessing to these people about adoption and especially older child adoption.  They said this is the first time they have had students who have been in their classes who spoke NO English, and who's parents do.  Other students who have come speak Spanish but their family speaks Spanish.  So.....having 2 Chinese students who were adopted at an older age is new to everyone at the school. And they are impressed with how easy the girls have transitioned and how well they are doing.

We are happy the girls are happy. We are happy they are trying.  We are happy that they want to be at school.  OH, and the teachers said the kids have been amazing to Hope & Maggie.  Very nice to them and almost taking care of them.  PRAISE GOD!!!!

Are you HIS Family?

Please, help me find little "Bergen's" forever family.  He is waiting.  He needs to find them soon.

This was taken from my friend's blog.  PLEASE spread the word.

Isn't he adorable!?  He needs a home.  He also needs a heart surgery as he has a very complex congenital heart defect.  The quicker he gets matched with a family, the quicker he gets the care he needs.  He is inoperable in China, but here there are more options.

If he is your baby, and you want more information - please let me know!  I cannot give specific information, but Kimberly at Great Wall can help.  Her email is kim@gwca.org 

Can you join me in prayer for this sweet baby - that God protects him and his precious heart and that God leads his family to him so they can get to him quickly. 

"Every day of my life was written in your book before one of them came to be."  Psalm 139:16

Thank you.

"If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask in prayer."  Matthew 21:22

Amazed!

I'm simply amazed.  I don't know why. Everyone told me I would be.  But I am still AMAZED!  We have been home just about 5 weeks now. Been the girls parents for just over 6 weeks. And WOW!!!  Simply amazed at how quickly they are adjusting.

We went to celebrate Bill's niece's 7th birthday on Sunday.  The girls got dressed and they all chose to wear the same shirt.  Very cool.  I thought "Okay, but you don't have to". And then I'm glad they did. Because they were easy to find at the park.  LOL

After the park we went to Bill's brothers house and had more cake.  Maggie's tongue turned green (I think that's green).  Her personality is starting to shine. She's so funny and loves to laugh.

Yesterday the girls came home with library books.  Hope kept saying "TEACHER".  I opened it and Hope wrote her name in it. I said "Hope, NO!  This is a library book". We had it translated and Maggie freaked out.  Hope erased it. I know Hope was thinking "teacher gave to me, it's mine". LOL  Well, Hope was excited about the book.  And guess what???  She can READ!!  Yep this girl is reading.  And she's so proud.

Tonight Maggie wanted to do sidewalk chalk. She kept saying it in Chinese and I had no idea what she was talking about. Finally she went and found the sidewalk chalk and asked to go outside with Jadyn. I said okay.  I looked and she drew a hopscotch game on the sidewalk. then was drawing another one. She was playing it with Jadyn.  Wow!

Then the girls were getting ready for church. It's crazy hat night for AWANA so A & J had on their crazy hats. Well H & M are not in AWANA but they wanted a hat. So I gave them the hats we brought to China that they did not like.  Interesting now how they like the hats.  LOL  They are too cute in them.  Then when they saw the camera, they wanted pictures. Well, Maggie posed. I had to ask Hope to pose. She was more interested in listening to Chris Tomlin on her iPod.  Yeah, this girl loves music.  And she is learning the songs and singing.

I'm amazed at how the girls are adjusting to their new life. They are bonding with all of us. They are comfortable with us. We get lots of giggles and smiles daily.  We are able to joke with them. And they joke back.  We are starting to have fun, as a family.  I'm just amazed. I do not think I would adjust so quickly if I was told to live with strangers in China.  Goodness, I know I would not. Just the 2 weeks we have to stay there for the adoption was too much for me.  These girls are so brave. I wish I had 1/2 of the courage that they have.  I am so excited to see them grow and to see them learn about Jesus.  (They are at church now in youth, and excited to go).  Thanks for praying for our family.  I'm so thankful for the happy moments.  So thankful for the smiles. So thankful that we are able to be amazed by such a wonderful experience.  God is so good!